The Impact of Infertility on Your Relationship
3 minutes
If you are struggling with infertility, you know that the emotional and psychological effects are profound and often misunderstood by those who haven't experienced the journey firsthand. It's a rollercoaster of emotions that includes grief, sadness, anger, guilt, shame, anxiety, and hope. The relentless pursuit of conception, whether through natural means or fertility treatments, is all-consuming and affects individuals' sense of identity and self-worth. Additionally, it usually brings up many complications in their romantic relationship.
The Link Between Infertility and Relationship Conflict
Infertility impacts relationships in major ways, and sometimes it's the first major hurdle a couple will face. With two people feeling overwhelmed, disappointed, frustrated, and sad, but in different ways, it's normal that it will lead to some strain between them. Couples often have different coping styles and misaligned expectations, leading to increased conflict and decreased intimacy. For instance, one partner may want to discuss the topic, read about it, hear other people’s stories, and learn how their partner is processing it, while their partner just wants to think positively and leave the rest up to the doctors. Additionally, one partner might have the mindset of "whatever it takes," whereas the other partner doesn’t feel as strongly about pushing through several rounds of IVF. When infertility strikes a couple, the pressure to conceive can completely take over and overwhelm the relationship, leaving little room for other aspects of life.
Typical Relationship Challenges:
Communication: In relationships undergoing infertility, communication can become strained or cease altogether as partners process it in their own way.
Resentment: One partner may be the one undergoing all or most of the invasive treatments, which can lead to feelings of isolation, not being understood, insecurity, or resentment.
Decision-making: There are many decisions to be made, from which medication protocol to use, which type of treatment to attempt, when to take a break, how many cycles to pursue, and how much money they are willing to spend among many others based on the couple's unique circumstances.
Support system: Each individual may not agree on who they want to share their infertility journey with. Some want to talk about it with others as it might help them to process and cope, whereas another partner might want to keep it private due to reasons such as shame, not wanting to make others uncomfortable, and importantly, not wanting to constantly field questions about the journey.
Physical Intimacy: When sex becomes all about baby-making or restricted during fertility treatments, it can lead to a gap in physical intimacy and a lack of interest. One partner can begin to feel deprived or insecure, while the other may feel pressured when their mindset is not in the right place.
Coping Strategies for Couples – How to Nurture the Connection
With resolve, couples can navigate this incredibly difficult journey without a loss of connection. In fact, with intentional work to grow together, it can strengthen the bond. Here are some coping strategies and tips to nurture your relationship amidst the emotional rollercoaster of infertility:
Open Communication: Allocate regular time for check-ins to discuss feelings, concerns, and goals related to fertility treatments. This should be done regularly; for instance, set aside one night a week for 30 – 60 minutes to calmly discuss all things fertility.
Validate Each Other’s Feelings: Validate each other's emotions, even if you don't fully understand or agree. Practice active listening and empathy to create a supportive environment where each of you feels heard and understood.
Seek Support: Look for support in therapy* or support groups specialized in infertility. Find friends or family you both can confide in who have been through the process and ask them how they dealt with it and for pointers.
Set Boundaries: Decide together how much you want to share about your fertility journey and be clear on who, when, and how you will share news.
Nurture the Relationship: Engage in activities that foster connection outside of trying to conceive. Plan short trips together, celebrate milestones, work on a project together, or take a class together.
How a Therapist Can Help
Therapy can be a lifeline for couples navigating infertility. A therapist specializing in infertility can provide a safe space to explore emotions, improve communication, and develop coping strategies. It's a place where couples can process their grief, insecurities, fears, and resentments, and find constructive ways to support each other.
Infertility is a challenging journey, but with understanding, support, and resilience, couples can navigate the emotional rollercoaster together. By nurturing their relationship and prioritizing each other, they can emerge stronger and more united, regardless of the outcome of their fertility journey.
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