Why Infertility is Emotionally Draining: Rollercoaster of Hope, Despair, & Everything In Between

4 minutes

If you're reading this, let me start off by saying I'm sorry. Welcome to a club that nobody signs up for willingly. The emotional pain of infertility is a constant flip-flop between hope and despair, with a whirlwind of emotions in between; hence why it’s universally labeled as an emotional rollercoaster. Unfortunately, for many, it becomes an unrelenting monthly grind with no foreseeable end in sight.

Infertility is relatively common in the United States, with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reporting that about 1 in 5 (19%) are unable to get pregnant after one year of trying. Also, about 1 in 4 (26%) of women have difficulty getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to term.

Sources of stress. There are so many avenues from where the stress of infertility comes. There's the pressure from society, family, and even yourself that serves as a reminder that it's time to have a baby. You know the ones: "I just can't wait to spoil my grandchild.” or “I hope you have a baby soon (wink wink) so our kids can play together.” Then there are the doctor's appointments, the invasive down under tests, the blood tests, the pills, the shots, leaky suppositories– oh my! And of course there is the financial strain, which increases with each new potential promise.

The despair. Oh the despair. It's real and can feel very lonely because so many around you don't quite understand why you are isolating, why you are depressed, why you aren't feeling more optimistic. Did you know that there are studies showing individuals battling infertility experience levels of anxiety and depression comparable to those facing serious medical conditions like cancer or heart disease? Crazy, right? Maybe not; if you are reading this you are probably nodding your head thinking, actually not so crazy. The isolation and lack of understanding further compound the pain.

Disrupted lives. Adding to the chaos are the upended work and social schedules. Suddenly, your life revolves around doctor's appointments and treatment schedules, while everything else takes a backseat. Vacations get canceled, job changes get postponed, you miss your friend's wedding. And that's just because of the appointments. There is also your lack of interest in being social. Netflix and your pj's couldn't be calling any louder. Life hits the pause button, and you're left wondering when – or if – it'll ever start again.

Wait There’s More: Other Reasons Infertility Leads to Feeling Awful

Sex lost its spontaneity and joy, replaced by pressure and disappointment. It's very common for couples who are going through infertility to report that their sex lives have become a calendar notification. And since many fertility treatments require you to have sex at very specific times, it can often come at very unfortunate times (i.e. right in the middle of the workday after a stressful meeting). There is also those that aren’t even having any sex at all and have succumb to baby-making becoming purely clinical.

Constant inquiries, even well-meaning ones, can reopen emotional wounds. Friends and family may mean well, but having to explain your infertility problems over and over is draining and adding to your stress levels. Depending on your level of openness, your social experiences can vary significantly. You may remain very private and, in that case, feel less present and active in your social circles. It can also become awkward because you are wondering if others are speculating what your stomach pouch means (reality check: your heavy hormonal dosage, which has caused tremendous bloat and discomfort). Or, if your more open about your situation, you might feel like a constant downer, full of disappointing news, frustration, feelings of shame, and annoyance that this topic even arises.

Your relationship takes a hit, especially when both partners are stressed and struggling to see the end game. Financial strain becomes a point of contention for many because as you are probably aware, most fertility treatments aren't covered by insurance. This results in exorbitant fees paid out of pocket. For instance, IVF costs can exceed $20,000 per cycle, and multiple cycles are often necessary to achieve pregnancy. Another common source of conflict arises when one partner desires a break from sexual intimacy or has trouble performing (the latter involving males). Imagine a scenario when it’s go time and you’re trying every move in the book to get the juices flowing for him (or maybe you are him reading this).

Moreover, the mood swings associated with fertility treatments can be exhausting for both partners. Differing coping mechanisms can further strain the relationship, with one partner wanting to discuss it constantly, while the other prefers to compartmentalize and is tired of the topic. And finally….

The all-consuming anxiety leaves little room for anything else. It's all you can focus on. The mental space that infertility takes up is on an incomparable level to anything else you have ever experienced. Trying to become pregnant takes up likely at least 70% of your bandwidth on a daily basis. This in turn leads to incessant googling, wondering what that feeling was in your stomach, feeling guilty that you had that glass of wine or took that pop barre class, or had your laptop on your lap too often (what if you just blew your chances?). It's an all-consuming anxiety that leaves little room for anything else.

Maybe It doesn’t all have to be dark. It's important to remember that you are not alone in this struggle. Millions of people experience infertility, and there are resources available to help you cope. Talking to a therapist or counselor specializing in infertility can be incredibly beneficial. Joining a support group, either online or in person, can connect you with others who understand what you're going through and offer valuable advice and emotional support. Infertility is brutal and it’s OK to be sad. If possible, try to keep in the back of your mind that infertility doesn’t define you and this feeling won’t last forever.

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