Understanding the Loneliness of Parenthood
6 minutes
Parenthood is often portrayed as a joyous journey filled with love, laughter, and precious moments. However, beneath the surface lies a reality that many parents face but few openly discuss: loneliness. A recent survey found that 66% of parents admitted to feeling lonely due to the demands of parenthood.
With so many parents that you likely interact with due to playgroups, sports classes, schools, and birthday parties, it’s a wonder why so many parents experience this sense of isolation. To help make sense of those reasons, I’ve compiled a list. By identifying the reasons that resonate with you the most, you may be motivated to make changes that could help you feel more connected.
Shift in Romantic Relationships: Perhaps before kids, you and your partner had busy personal lives and work schedules, but every Friday and Saturday, you knew you would have quality/fun time. Maybe it was dinner and a movie or checking out a new band. Lazy boozy brunches were a definite on Sundays. Short getaways, check. Then you had a baby and all that suddenly resulted in disagreements about whose turn it is to change the diaper. Even with the best intentions, kids more often than not disrupt the connection between partners which often takes years to remold into a new partnership that feels connected.
Shift in Other Relationships: After welcoming a baby into the family, parents experience a significant shift in their existing relationships. Suddenly, their priorities, interests, and availability change, which can strain friendships. You might have childless friends who suggest that they can’t wait to be a part of your new baby’s lives and join you on afternoon strolls, only to realize that it may only happen on an occasion or two. Then, you both slowly drift apart because there is so much less in common to discuss or relate to.
Difficulty in Building Deep Connections: Despite the abundance of opportunities to meet other parents through playgroups and school, forging meaningful connections takes much more effort than gossiping about the teacher. One reason is parents' limited time to invest in friendships amid their busy schedules. You might have discussions about having playdates or even suggest meeting at a kid-friendly restaurant altogether. The result of course is being constantly interrupted to feed the kids, tell them to stop throwing things, putting straws up their noses, and having to quiet them down because the restaurant owner is sending signals with his eyes. While you may have had short bouts of bonding with another parent, it didn’t feel as enjoyable and certainly not as relaxing as you had anticipated. Maybe you try again in six months or so.
Fear of Rejection: The fear of rejection looms large for many parents seeking companionship outside of structured settings. You might eagerly suggest a night out with a fellow mom or several after the kids go down while your partner or sitter watches them, yet each time you attempt to make it happen, it's met with excuses such as "My partner works late," "I have an early morning meeting," etc. Sometimes, even when plans are made, what was supposed to be five moms turns into a total of three, with one arriving late and one leaving early. Although the fallout was likely for valid reasons, you end up questioning if they really want to get together because they aren’t making much effort. Plus, you’ve used the "kid isn’t feeling well" excuse before, so you can’t help but have your doubts.
Cultural Shifts in Communication: In today's culture, there's a growing sensitivity around certain topics and opinion-sharing, which can hinder authentic connections. Parents may hesitate to open up about their struggles or share their true feelings for fear of being judged or labeled. It’s hard to know if by saying, "I just don’t really enjoy being with my child all day and look forward to work days," you won’t be met with a disgusted look on the other person's face. Also, for many, gone are the days when you could gossip about another mother’s ‘interesting outfit,’ weight gain, or fluidity in gender norms. I’m not suggesting that kind of gossip was or wasn’t appropriate; the truth is it is/was judgey; however, people bonded over similar ideas in that way, and speaking so liberally now is grounds for being canceled.
Changes in Work Dynamics: The rise of remote work and non-traditional employment arrangements means that many parents spend more time working from home than in traditional office settings. While this offers flexibility, it also reduces opportunities for spontaneous social interactions with coworkers. You are much less likely to spontaneously grab a coffee or attend a coworker's bachelor party when the only rapport you have is over Zoom and email. Similarly, unlike previous generations, today's workforce is characterized by frequent job changes and career shifts. Long-term relationships developed from sharing office space aren’t as commonplace.
Impact of Social Media: Social media platforms offer a superficial sense of connectivity but often exacerbate feelings of loneliness. Parents may compare their lives to carefully curated online personas, leading to feelings of inadequacy or experiencing FOMO. This constant comparison can undermine real-world relationships and contribute to feelings of isolation. Furthermore, there is a false sense of friendship when you and some of your media friends exchange memes several times a day. Yes, there is a momentary connection, but it’s rarely in real-time and rarely vulnerable, which are important ingredients for feeling more connected and less lonely.
Netflix and Chill – The appeal of just staying in is powerful. Going out, making connections, having regular phone conversations all require effort, and you know what a parent doesn’t have? A lot of bandwidth left for effort into their own social lives. Sometimes (or most of the time), sitting in front of the TV and ordering dinner from your delivery app is just easier and more comfortable. And there's no shame in that – but it also inhibits those more meaningful relationships.
Harder to Find Friendships Where Everyone Gets Along: It’s challenging enough to carve out alone time with just your partner, so it's understandable to desire joint activities with other couples. However, sometimes finding another couple where all four parties are interested isn’t always easy. And even if you were able to find that couple where everyone gets along well, now all four have to find the time to make it happen and hire someone to caregive. It’s easy to see how good intentions may lead to a friendship, but not a very deep one.
Lack of Family: We know the saying that it takes a village to raise a child holds true. In yonder years, that village was present, but in today’s world, where the only times you may see your family are during major holidays or on FaceTime, you no longer have the same kind of bond that exists between extended family. Some may argue that moving across the country away from them was the intention. Understandable, yet it still leaves room for missing connections.
The Covid Effect: I would be remiss not to mention how the pandemic disrupted so many lives, creating isolation, leading people to move away, and instilling a lack of confidence leading to social anxiety. People who weren’t hermits became hermits, and those who already tended to stay inward turned even more inward. Not to mention the host of issues it brought onto children, which you may now be dealing with. With that kind of disruption, many are forced to rebuild meaningful relationships, and let’s face it, that sounds and is overwhelming.
All this to say, it’s no wonder so many report feeling lonely in parenthood. The kind of connections you once knew are no longer the same, and it’s not just because you are a parent, but also because societal norms have changed so drastically.
I’m not going to delve into all the ways you can work on creating meaningful connections because one, you can probably figure it out based on which reasons you resonated with the most, and two, you may be in a place in your life where you are feeling lonely and accepting it without the motivation to change it (for now). What I will leave you with is this: you are not alone in your loneliness. You have at least 66% camaraderie.
You may also be interested in Coping with Loneliness as a New Mom
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