From Bonds to Boundaries: Identifying the Ideal Relationship in Your Surrogacy Process
9 minutes
Disappointment is the gap between expectations and reality.
There are a few key things you might know are imperative when matching with a surrogate (AKA gestational carrier or GC) or intended parents (IPs), such as termination agreements, compensation, and views on vaccinations. However, what can sometimes be sidelined, yet holds incredible importance, is the type of relationship between the GC and the IPs. Whether you are embarking on this process as an intended parent or a surrogate, having the right kind of relationship can significantly impact your experience, both emotionally and logistically.
You may be thinking, "I’m pretty easygoing, so whatever my surrogate wants, or whatever my IPs want, works for me." While in some rare instances that might hold true, it’s more often the case that not having aligned expectations and communication styles leads to a less-than-ideal journey. What can be challenging is that if this is your first journey, you may not know what you want until it’s underway, and you realize you desire something different. Alternatively, you may think you want one thing, only to later wish you had something else.
Maybe, as IPs, you thought you wanted less involvement in the GC’s life, but then, after seeing your baby’s heartbeat for the first time, you feel a deep sense of gratitude and a desire to be more involved in her life and to feel closer —but that isn’t what she wants. Or perhaps, as a GC, you initially preferred a more business-like relationship but then, after witnessing the huge smiles, tears, and love between your IPs on transfer day, you begin to crave feeling closer to them. The opposite can also be true, which will be discussed as you continue reading.
Below is a helpful guide to assist you in reflecting on which relationship style resonates with you the most, as well as the three main types of surrogacy relationships. These categories are broad but serve as a starting point for you to refine your preferences with more specific details. If possible, speak with others who have been through the surrogacy process and ask about their relationship experiences—what they valued, what they wished for more or less of, and why.
You May End Up Mismatched Because…
Sometimes having misaligned expectations and communication styles can be disappointing for seemingly innocuous reasons. Here are a few reasons why this might happen:
1. Overlooking the Relationship - Amid all the major decisions to consider—like choosing an agency or opting for an independent journey, determining location, managing finances, and outlining your contract preferences—relationship expectations might seem less significant. After all, they don’t necessarily go into a contract or count as a breach of one unless specified. It’s easy for other pressing matters to overshadow what the day-to-day will look and feel like.
2. Stretching the Truth - As an IP or potential GC, you might feel tempted to embellish or tailor your answers to secure a match. After years of infertility or an eagerness to move forward, it’s easy to think, 'I’ll make it work.' You might agree to a 'friendly' relationship, even though that term is vague or doesn't fit your usual style, or you may say a less communicative relationship is fine because, at this point, you don’t feel the need for a close connection—even though you naturally enjoy warm and intimate relationships. Unfortunately, deceiving yourself out of desperation or impatience often leads to resentment and disappointment down the line.
3. Excitement Clouding Judgment - When your agency finds a match or you find one independently, it’s easy to get swept up in the excitement. You might feel relieved and eager, thinking, 'Finally, this is going to happen!' The initial connection can feel strong, with both sides texting back optimistically, sharing a common goal. But as the journey continues, reality sets in. Perhaps the first transfer doesn’t succeed, or the initial excitement wanes as life gets busy. You may begin to notice how different your personalities are, and what once seemed like a perfect match may no longer feel quite right.
4. Pressure from the Agency - You may feel pressure from your agency to move forward with a match, especially if they indicate that waiting for another option could take a long time. Feeling reassured that the key aspects align, you might overlook differences in communication or relationship preferences. You think, 'I’m ready to move forward,' and the prospect of a long wait for the next match may compel you to jump in, even if you have reservations about personality compatibility.
5. Assuming Flexibility - You may see yourself as an easygoing person—someone who lets others make decisions, enjoys spontaneity, and gets along with everyone. However, surrogacy isn’t like most relationships. You’re quickly sharing intimate moments and staying in regular contact with someone who was a stranger not long ago. Whether you’re a GC adjusting your lifestyle, managing health risks, and attending appointments, or an IP entrusting someone with your lifelong dream, assuming you’ll approach this relationship as you would others may not be realistic.
Important Questions to Ask Yourself
1. Pregnancy-Related Involvement - How involved do you want to be in appointments? Do you want to attend the embryo transfer and every ultrasound, even if it's via FaceTime because you're not local? Do you envision being present in the delivery room? There’s no right or wrong answer. Maybe a past traumatic experience at a 20-week appointment makes that level of involvement too anxiety-inducing.
As a surrogate, do you prefer having your IPs at every appointment, or would you rather maintain privacy and not have to coordinate schedules? Are you comfortable with them in the delivery room for labor and birth, or only for part of it?
2. Communication Preferences - What method of communication suits you best? Do you prefer setting time aside for video chats, or are phone calls, texting, or emails more your style? Would you rather have most communication go through a third party, like your agency coordinator?
3. Frequency - How often do you want to communicate? Are you someone who enjoys texting throughout the day and staying in touch frequently? Do you prefer daily phone calls or video chats a few times a week? Or are you busy and overwhelmed, with limited time or energy for constant communication? Perhaps a weekly recap, except for major updates, feels more manageable and aligns with the boundaries you want.
4. Content of Communication - Are you looking to build a friendship? Do you want to learn about your GC’s personal life—such as hearing about her son’s baseball game, sending a gift for her daughter’s graduation, or sharing a laugh over her story about explaining at the grocery store that she’s not carrying her own baby?
From the surrogate’s perspective, are you comfortable sharing personal details about your family? Are you open to hearing about the anxiety your IPs might be feeling during the process, their plans for a baby moon, or being invited to their baby shower?
Alternatively, would you prefer to keep communication focused strictly on the pregnancy—discussing appointments, travel, and health updates—without delving into personal matters?
6. Relationship After Birth - Do you envision yourself as “Auntie,” or your child maintaining a close connection with your GC? This relationship may not be constant but it involves staying in touch regularly, sending gifts on birthdays, or going on vacation together every few years.
Alternatively, do you prefer minimal contact once the journey is complete—perhaps an annual update, a holiday card, or occasional interactions on social media? Would you prefer no further contact after the surrogacy process is finished?
The Relationships Categories
These categories are a starting point for refining the type of relationship you envision. Choose the one that resonates most with you, then personalize it with more detailed preferences. When working on detailing what you want, make a comprehensive list and then prioritize what’s most important and identify your dealbreakers. Think of the more flexible aspects as the cherry on top. Once you've clarified your expectations, you can enter match meetings or start searching independently with a clearer understanding of what you're looking for. While agreement on major issues like termination is imperative, so is deciding how communication will flow, as this relationship could last anywhere from a year to a lifetime.
1. Bonded for Life
This type of relationship resembles a family-like bond, similar to a close cousin or aunt. You talk frequently throughout the journey about more than just the pregnancy. You know each other’s families, meet in person for dinner, and attend important events like baby showers or birthdays. This connection extends beyond the birth, with the surro-baby having a relationship with their carrier. Although after the birth, the contact may become less frequent over time, you both stay in touch regularly, sharing funny memes, catching up on each other's family milestones, and making an effort to meet up occasionally. Reconnecting after time apart feels natural, and there’s a deep sense of trust and mutual care.
Who Chooses This? This type of relationship tends to appeal to individuals who are naturally relational and view surrogacy as a journey best shared with deep emotional connections, where the highs and lows are experienced together.
Extroverted & social - Those who thrive in the company of others and value numerous close relationships may seek this type of bond.
IPs seeking community - IPs who wish to include their surrogate as part of a lasting support system may desire this connection. This is often seen in male same-sex couples, single parents by choice, or individuals with limited family or social connections, viewing this relationship as an opportunity to expand their chosen family.
Surrogates seeking deeper purpose - Surrogates who believe that their role would be more meaningful with a strong connection may seek this relationship for a sense of fulfillment and purpose beyond the pregnancy.
Both parties must genuinely desire this level of closeness, and it’s crucial to communicate clearly about what "close" means to avoid misunderstandings. For some, “close” might involve shopping for maternity clothes together, while for others, it may entail regular updates about the pregnancy.
2. The Friendly Type
This relationship can range from distant friends who stay in touch only when something significant occurs, to a coworker-type dynamic where both parties collaborate effectively toward a common goal. You might exchange pleasantries and pregnancy updates every few days, maintaining a light-hearted tone without delving into deeper personal matters. While you may celebrate surrogacy-related milestones, there’s no expectation of sharing personal achievements, such as when the surrogate gets a job promotion at work or when the IPs celebrate their baby’s first steps.
After the journey concludes, communication may be limited to social media updates, and both parties are comfortable with that. The bond remains friendly but not particularly deep, characterized by camaraderie rather than emotional closeness. This type of relationship is often easygoing and less demanding, allowing both parties to maintain their lives outside of the surrogacy journey.
Who Chooses This? This relationship is typically favored by individuals who value a friendly yet structured connection.
Pragmatic Individuals - Those who approach surrogacy with a practical mindset may prefer this type of relationship, seeing it primarily as a temporary goal-oriented arrangement with some personal elements rather than a deeply emotional experience.
Busy Individuals - IPs and surrogates who lead busy lives may find this relationship more manageable. They might appreciate having a positive, friendly connection that doesn’t require significant emotional investment or time.
Cautious Individuals - Some people naturally prefer to keep relationships less intense and need their own space to avoid draining their emotional bandwidth. By maintaining emotional boundaries, they can minimize the potential for misunderstandings or hurt feelings.
While this relationship type is friendly, it’s essential for both parties to understand and respect each other’s boundaries to prevent misinterpretations and animosity.
3. Transactional/Professional – While this type of relationship may be viewed negatively, for those who choose it, it reflects a conscious decision that aligns with their needs. This dynamic is focused strictly on surrogacy and pregnancy matters, with minimal communication beyond that. Conversations tend to be brief and limited to essential updates, often facilitated by third-party agencies to ensure a smooth process.
Who Chooses This? This relationship type is often preferred by individuals who prioritize clarity and structure with only one end goal in mind. It may be preferred for logistical reasons as well.
Emotionally cautious individuals – IPs may want to protect their emotional well-being during this process especially if they have trauma from their own fertility history or with a previous surrogate. By opting for a relationship it limits their need to emotionally invest. Similarly, a surrogate may prefer to maintain distance to avoid becoming too attached to the family.
Culturally influenced individuals – Cultural norms may encourage a preference for formality, especially in international cases where using a surrogate may be shunned or where their public figure status puts them in a situation where they desire privacy.
Logistics - Time zone geographic distance, and language barriers can naturally limit the relationship, making frequent communication more difficult.
While this relationship may feel distant to some, everyone has their own process for navigating such a delicate situation. If both parties are aligned in their approach, then it’s the right choice.
How to Implement This Information
Use this information as a starting point to explore your vision of the ideal relationship. Do you envision standing next to your surrogate, holding her hand as she brings your baby into the world? Do you see yourself building a lifelong bond with your intended parents? Reflect on your current relationships to better understand your preferred interaction style. Consider how you might feel about someone else carrying your baby and what emotions that could evoke.
As you work through these thoughts, seek input from others—family and friends who understand your personality and relationship preferences, as well as fellow intended parents or surrogates. Your agency can also provide valuable insights, but be cautious to ensure they aren't biased based on their expectations for your match.
Whether you pursue this journey through an agency or independently, this post highlights the need for a joint meeting facilitated by a mental health professional to address these aspects before getting too far into the process or finalizing the contracts. Engaging a third party with expertise in surrogacy allows both parties to clarify their expectations regarding the type of relationship they desire and to establish a plan for managing any conflicts that may arise.
