Ten Emotional Challenges Intended Parents face During the Surrogacy Process & How to Cope
7 minutes
If you are reading this, you’re likely in one of two places: either contemplating the idea of embarking on a journey with a gestational carrier (GC), or you’re already deep in the process, eagerly soaking up all the information you can find. While much has been written about the logistics of surrogacy, there’s a notable gap when it comes to addressing the emotional journey intended parents (IPs) may face.
Choosing to use a GC is not simply a clinical or practical decision; it’s a deeply emotional one. It brings a wide range of feelings—some expected and some that may catch you by surprise. Below are ten of the most common emotional challenges I’ve encountered in working with IPs, along with ways to navigate these feelings so that, hopefully, your experience can be one filled with more moments of peace and hope rather than frustration and overwhelm. Everyone’s journey is unique—some of these may not apply to you, and some that are relevant may not be listed here.
1. Grief and Loss
By the time many IPs reach the surrogacy stage, they’ve often endured significant grief and loss. But new layers of grief can still surface unexpectedly—when a GC doesn’t pass screening, when an embryo transfer fails, or in the event of a miscarriage.
Some IPs jump into surrogacy quickly after heartbreak, without having had the space to grieve. Others find grief resurfacing even after they thought they had come to terms with it. These moments can be emotionally overwhelming. Some IPs may become over-involved to maintain control, while others pull back entirely. On the outside, it may look like someone being overbearing or disinterested—but often, it’s self-protection.
It’s okay to feel joy and grief at the same time. Surrogacy is full of contradictory emotions. Acknowledging them can help you move through the process with more compassion for yourself.
2. Anxiety and Uncertainty
Surrogacy involves long waits and unknowns. If you’ve been through infertility, you’re no stranger to anxiety—but this process brings its own version of it.
There’s the stress of matching, clearance steps, and the unpredictability of medical and legal hurdles. Once pregnant, every test, scan, and symptom can feel like a crisis. Anxiety can also surface in your relationship with your GC. Even with agreed-upon communication, it’s easy to overthink:
“Am I texting too much?”
“Is she okay?”
“Why hasn’t she replied in 3 hours?”
This anxiety is real and valid. You’ve been through a lot to get here. Don’t feel embarrassed by how hard this is—find ways to manage the fear.
Still deciding which surrogacy path to take? This guide to independent vs. agency surrogacy outlines the emotional and logistical differences.
3. Loss of Control
You are placing the most precious part of your life in someone else’s hands. That alone is enough to trigger deep vulnerability. It’s okay if that feels terrifying
4. Guilt and Envy
Many IPs feel guilt over not carrying the pregnancy—and some also feel relief. Both can exist together.
There may be envy toward your GC, guilt over being physically detached, or guilt that your body couldn’t do what you hoped. And then, relief that you don’t have to endure another medical trauma. None of these feelings make you a bad parent. They make you honest.
5. Bonding Concerns
A common fear: “What if I don’t feel connected when the baby arrives?”
Know this: bonding is a process, not a moment. It grows with time and care. Even birth parents sometimes don’t bond right away. Your baby will learn your voice, your scent, your love. That’s what they’ll know.
6. Relationship Strain
Couples often have different coping styles. One partner may take the lead on GC communication and decision-making. Over time, this can create resentment or fears about future parenting roles.
Talk about expectations. Check in with each other. If one person is doing all the heavy lifting, name it.
Infertility can impact emotional and physical intimacy in ways many couples don’t anticipate. This post explores how connection and sex are affected.
7. Financial Stress
Surrogacy is expensive—and often comes after years of costly infertility treatments. Financial pressure can strain your relationship, your lifestyle, and your mental health.
You may be borrowing from family, delaying other goals, or feeling guilt around money. These are valid concerns and deserve acknowledgment.
8. Social and Family Pressures
Insensitive comments may come from people who don’t understand surrogacy:
“Lucky you, I hated being pregnant.”
“Why didn’t you just adopt?”
“Like The Handmaid’s Tale, right?”
You don’t owe anyone your story. Protect your energy. Explain if you feel safe—but know it’s okay not to.
9. Attachment to the Surrogate
Relationships with GCs are layered. They can feel like a blend of friendship, partnership, and shared mission.
Sometimes you feel deeply connected. Sometimes things shift. Some IPs feel grief once the baby arrives and the relationship ends. That’s real, too.
If you’re unsure what kind of relationship to build with your GC, this post helps explore bonds vs. boundaries.
10. Postpartum Adjustment
When the baby arrives, it might feel surreal. You didn’t experience the physical transition—just the sudden shift into parenthood. That can be jarring.
You may face awkward or painful questions about your birth story, or feel disconnected in parent groups. These feelings are normal—and you’re not alone.
How to Cope
Make space for grief. You don’t need to pause everything—but process as you go.
Educate yourself. Rushing in can lead to disappointment or mismatched expectations.
Work with trusted professionals—clinics, agencies, attorneys, and mental health providers who understand this path.
Set realistic timelines. Surrogacy rarely moves fast.
Create coping strategies. List small things that calm you down when the anxiety spikes.
Find a therapist trained in third-party reproduction. This matters.
Join a support group. Being seen by others on the same path is powerful.
Get clear on communication preferences with your GC. Don’t assume it’ll “just work.”
Focus on what you can control.
Celebrate wins—however small. The joy matters, too.
You’re Not Alone
If you’re in this process or about to begin it, you deserve support that goes beyond logistics. I host a free support group for Intended and Recipient Parents navigating surrogacy, donor conception, and all the emotional layers in between. We meet virtually each month.
