How to Support a Friend after a Miscarriage

Below is a summary of the article I contributed to. Read the full article on Today’s Parent

• Express Sympathy Simply: When a friend experiences a miscarriage, the best way to offer support is by expressing simple sympathy. Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, suggests saying, "I'm sorry" without feeling the need to elaborate or provide explanations. It's essential to avoid filling the silence with additional words that might unintentionally cause harm. If you're unsure of what to say next, ask them, "How are you feeling?" and be prepared to listen.

• Acknowledge Their Loss Gently: Even small gestures of acknowledgment can mean a lot to someone grieving a miscarriage. You don't have to make grand gestures; instead, a simple text, dropping off a small gift, or even a short visit can provide comfort. Goldberg advises that these gestures should happen in private, rather than at social gatherings or during work meetings, where your friend might feel put on the spot.

• Ask What They Need: Offering support is more meaningful when it’s tailored to what your friend actually needs. Some may want to talk about their loss, while others may prefer silence or companionship without conversation. This gives them the chance to share their needs on their terms.

• Recognize the Difficulty of Their Experience: Validating the emotional and physical toll of a miscarriage is crucial. Simply acknowledging, “This is really hard” or “This sucks” can help your friend feel seen and understood. Your acknowledgment of their pain, even if it seems obvious, offers powerful validation.

• Extend Sympathy to Their Partner: A miscarriage affects both partners, and it's essential to recognize their shared loss. A simple message like "I’m thinking of both of you" can go a long way in showing that both individuals are in your thoughts, rather than focusing solely on the person who physically experienced the miscarriage.

• Practice Active Listening: If your friend chooses to open up, engage in active listening. This means listening to understand, not just waiting to respond. This kind of listening helps your friend feel truly heard, without the pressure of needing to fix their grief.

• Respect Their Privacy: Not everyone is ready to talk about a miscarriage, and that’s okay. Hull advises letting your friend know you're available whenever they’re ready, without pushing for a conversation. This simple reassurance can provide great comfort during a time when they may feel overwhelmed by their emotions.

• Say the Baby's Name: If your friend had chosen a name for their baby, using it can be a powerful way to honor their loss. Thanatologist Elreacy Dock explains that saying the baby’s name helps memorialize them and affirms that the child is not forgotten. This small gesture can mean a lot to parents who feel that their loss is often minimized by others.

• Remind Them They're Not to Blame: Many women wrongly blame themselves after a miscarriage. Dr. Alice Domar, PhD, notes that women often think their actions may have caused the loss, like exercising or eating certain foods. Reassuring your friend that the miscarriage is not their fault is a critical part of offering support.

• Avoid Hurtful Phrases and Platitudes: Phrases like "Everything happens for a reason" or "At least you weren’t further along" are harmful, even if well-intentioned. Goldberg advises avoiding such comments as they can invalidate the deep grief someone feels after losing a pregnancy. It’s essential to acknowledge the loss without diminishing its significance.

• Don’t Make “Try Again” Comments: Telling someone they can always "try again" dismisses the pain they feel about their current loss. Goldberg explains that many individuals feel anxiety about future pregnancies, and it’s vital not to assume they’ll want to try again or that it’s even medically possible.

• Steer Clear of Comparisons: Even if you’ve experienced a miscarriage yourself, avoid comparing your experience to your friend's loss. This can inadvertently minimize their grief. Instead, focus on being present and listening without drawing comparisons.

• Avoid Asking What Caused the Miscarriage: Miscarriages are often unpredictable and not fully understood. Avoid pressing your friend about what might have caused the miscarriage, as this can feel like blaming. Your role is to offer support, not seek answers.

• Don’t Share Statistics or Stories of Other Losses: Even if intended to offer reassurance, statistics about how common miscarriages are or sharing stories of other people’s losses can make your friend feel like their unique experience is being reduced to a number. Steer away from this type of conversation and focusing on their personal grief.

• Give Your Friend Space to Share at Their Own Pace: Pressuring your friend to talk before they’re ready can do more harm than good. Your check-ins should be gentle, such as sending a text to let them know you’re thinking of them. This gives them the choice to respond when they feel comfortable.

• Be Patient with Their Grief: There is no timeline for grief, and your friend may need support long after the miscarriage. Your compassion and patience are essential as they navigate their emotions. Be prepared to offer your support over time, even if months or years have passed.

• Check In Regularly: Consistent check-ins help your friend feel supported, but avoid overwhelming them with too many questions. Goldberg suggests simple gestures like sending a message, leaving a small gift, or just saying, “I’m thinking of you” to show your continued care.

• Engage with Everyday Conversations: If your friend isn’t ready to talk about their loss, it’s okay to continue discussing everyday topics. Normal conversations can provide a needed break from grief and reduce feelings of isolation.

• Send Practical Gifts Instead of Flowers: Thoughtful, practical gifts like a meal delivery can be more meaningful than traditional gifts like flowers. Flowers can make a home feel like a funeral, while food or other practical support can be a much-needed relief.

• Continue to Invite Them to Social Events: Even if your friend declines, it’s important to continue inviting them to social gatherings. Offer them the choice so they can decide whether they choose to attend without feeling they are being excluded from your life.

• Commemorate or Honor Their Loss: Some parents choose to hold memorials or keep keepsakes to honor their lost baby. Dr. Domar recommends attending if your friend holds such a ceremony or offering a meaningful token like jewelry with the baby’s birthstone.