When You're Told, "I Think It’s Time to Consider Using an Egg Donor"
5 minutes
The journey through infertility and infertility treatment is filled with unexpected turns and emotional hurdles. No one is ever prepared for the emotional toll they will endure when embarking on fertility treatment. As noted in a previous blog post, the emotions experienced are similar to those faced by individuals undergoing cancer treatment. Many people who have never encountered true depression before may now find themselves in a dark place where there seems to be no end in sight.
There may come a time after enduring heartache after heartache, blowing through your savings, possibly taking out loans, dealing with a strained relationship with your partner, isolating from some friends and family, and losing not only your current identity but also grieving the one you always anticipated, that the words "egg donor" start to feel less foreign. An idea you never in your wildest dreams thought you would even consider, and maybe even earlier had turned down with a hard no, slowly becomes more tolerable. This decision is profound and life-changing, and it’s important to navigate this process thoughtfully and with care.
Are You Ready for an Egg Donor?
The idea of using an egg donor might feel devastating yet come with a sense of relief at the same time. Your initial dreams of genetic ties to your future kin are filled with grief, questions, fear, and hope. Simultaneously, you may feel some relief that there will be no more retrievals and the cycle of heightened emotion filled with hope and desperation followed by devastation will end. Once you decide to move forward on the egg donor path, there may be a sense of urgency as you are now reinvigorated with hope and just want to reach the end result of having a baby in your arms. This can lead to impulsive decision-making, and while it’s very understandable that you want to move quickly, there are many important factors to consider and significant decisions that will impact the rest of your life and the lives of your future children. Below are steps to consider and decisions to think through carefully.
Find a therapist: Perhaps I’m biased, but one of the best steps you can take at this time, if you haven’t already, is to find a therapist who specializes in infertility and third-party reproduction. A therapist can help you process your emotions, including fears, hopes, and the grief that comes from multiple losses (more on that below). They can support you as you reinvent your identity, understand the process, consider important factors when choosing an egg donor, grasp the implications, answer the endless questions you are likely ruminating on, and assist you in making crucial decisions.
Do Your Research: There is a wealth of information to navigate, and it can be beneficial to delve into informative books, listen to podcasts, join support groups, and engage with others who have undergone similar experiences. Hearing about others' journeys can offer valuable insights and alleviate feelings of isolation. However, it's important to note that not all resources are equally reliable. While social media influencers and Facebook groups can provide information and community support, they can also be overwhelming and sometimes inaccurate. They may inadvertently share tragic stories or rare circumstances that contribute more to confusion and fear than to helpful insights.
Grieve the Losses
When you reach the stage of considering the idea of choosing an egg donor, you have already encountered significant loss and potential grief. While each person's experience with grief may differ, it's undeniable that everyone faces aspects they have, are currently, or will need to continue grieving. Every type of loss along the fertility journey—whether you knew from the outset that an egg donor was your sole option—comes with an emotional toll. Below are some of the more common types of grief that may now be part of your story.
Loss of control. The journey through infertility can feel like a relentless struggle where much of your life feels dictated by treatments and medical schedules. This loss can be deeply unsettling as you navigate a process that seems beyond your control. Alongside this, you may grieve the loss of control over expectations and dreams. Many people have long-held visions of how they would start their family, including when, how many children, and what traits they hope to pass on. The need to use an egg donor can shatter these dreams, requiring you to rethink your vision of the future.
Loss of normalcy and identity: Fertility treatments can disrupt your daily routine, exercise habits, and social activities, leading to a loss of normalcy. Introducing a third party into the conception process can also challenge your sense of self-identity, causing you to question your body, your worth, and how you perceive yourself.
Loss of financial stability: Fertility treatments and the use of an egg donor can be incredibly expensive, potentially delaying significant financial milestones such as buying a house or impacting your career path due to the necessity of insurance coverage. The material life you had previously envisioned for when your baby is born is likely to differ significantly after investing considerable funds in the pursuit of parenthood.
Loss of your social network: Not everyone may understand what you've been going through, prompting you to keep your struggles private. This isolation can lead to feelings of loneliness and a sense of loss within your social network. Furthermore, not having a child who shares genetics raises questions about how society, your family, and your culture will perceive your child.
Loss of relationship satisfaction. The emotional and physical demands of all things fertility can strain your relationship, challenging intimacy and connection. Additionally, there's potential for feelings of resentment or envy toward your partner, who represents half of the genetic link you are creating. Your partner may feel guilt about being able to contribute genetically. One or both of you may also feel pressure to pursue this route before both are fully ready or in agreement. Making such a significant decision, especially after enduring numerous setbacks, can perpetuate feelings of dissatisfaction.
Loss of the ability to share genetics with your future child: One of the most challenging losses to grieve for some people is realizing that you may not see yourself reflected genetically in your child. While you will certainly influence them through nurture and pregnancy, accepting that your genetic material won't be present in them as it would if they were biologically yours can be a profound emotional process.
The reason it’s important to address the underlying pain caused by these losses is to ensure that your decisions moving forward are informed, rational, and forward-thinking. When decisions are made hastily amid grief and mental anguish, they can lead to consequences down the line. Moreover, research indicates that individuals who have experienced infertility are at higher risk for postpartum depression. Taking steps to prioritize your mental health can contribute to a healthier and more fulfilling pregnancy and postpartum period.
Talk to Your Doctor About Expectations
Moving to egg donation isn't a guaranteed solution. It's important to have realistic expectations and understand the complexities involved. These include having an idea of what the success rate might look like, which will be based on variables such as the quality of your partner’s sperm, whether you choose a fresh or frozen donor cycle (more on that in the next post), how receptive your body might be to an embryo transfer and subsequent pregnancy. Another discussion should be around the timeline. There are many steps that have to be taken before the day comes that you are able to transfer an embryo into your uterus. Getting a realistic idea of the steps, what types of setbacks might create pause, and what, if anything, you can do to ensure as much smoothness as possible can help prevent you from feeling extra disgruntled if things take longer than you would like – which is inevitable since I imagine you wish you were pregnant yesterday.
Part 2: How to choose an egg donor
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