Understanding Postpartum Rage - Symptoms and Treatment
8 minutes
Postpartum rage may not have ever been on your radar before becoming a parent, or perhaps you had moments of heightened anger before parenthood that have since intensified in a way that feels overwhelming and unlike you. The first thing to note is that other parents experience this too, and it's likely much more common than you would think based on how little it's discussed. The likely reason for that is it often brings feelings of shame and openly discussing it with other parents can lead to judgment, a sense of loneliness in your experience, or embarrassment, all of which exacerbate feelings of inadequacy.
What is Postpartum Rage?
If you're unsure what postpartum rage actually looks like because surely at times you have become quite angry as a parent, it typically involves an instant and overwhelming feeling of rage or anger. You might be aware of it as it happens but feel a lack of control or may not fully recognize the intensity of your reaction until afterward. It can seemingly come out of nowhere or build up gradually, catching you off guard with its intensity. Perhaps you notice that something that has annoyed you before (like not being able to find your keys) suddenly triggers a much stronger level of anger than you've felt in similar situations before. Furthermore, when later reflecting on your reaction you conclude that what set you off may seem relatively minor, leaving you feeling confused and silly. Because these episodes can feel out of character and irrational, they are often accompanied by profound guilt, fear of your own capabilities, and concern about how your rage affects those around you, particularly your baby, other children, partner, and any witnesses.
What becomes even more disturbing is it’s usually not just an internal feeling, but accompanied by behavior such as yelling, throwing something, crying uncontrollably, feeling physically weak, or even something as severe as physical violence toward another person or yourself.
Distinguishing Postpartum Rage from Other Mood Disorders
Postpartum rage can be a few isolated incidents, but more commonly and when it’s a problem is when it is a frequent occurrence and if it’s accompanied by other perinatal mood disorders such as depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), bipolar disorder or psychosis. It can be challenging to distinguish whether it's related to a more serious underlying issue or a culmination of feeling tired, overwhelmed, and underappreciated as a parent trying to manage the chaos that having children can create. It's also important to note that while postpartum rage may manifest during the postpartum period, it could resemble feelings you experienced before parenthood but now seem less manageable. If regulating your emotions was always a struggle before becoming a parent, this could be an extension of that difficulty, intensified by your more vulnerable and challenging state. Additionally, it doesn't necessarily begin right after the baby is born; it can emerge later. For instance, right after bringing the baby home, you might feel on top of things, especially if you have hired help or support from family members. Alternatively, you might initially feel sadder and more withdrawn, but as you start to feel more connected to yourself, sudden extreme irritability could arise.
What Causes Postpartum Rage?
The causes of postpartum rage aren’t fully understood, but several contributing factors are known and as you read on will make a lot of sense. Hormonal fluctuations, sleep deprivation, and the immense stress and overwhelm of caring for a baby are the primary culprits. There is often pressure to meet unrealistic expectations of what a good mother is, which can come internally from you as well as from family, cultural, and societal expectations, or even social media.
Social media often portrays parents as having it all together, showcasing perfectly cut-up fruit, beautifully decorated nurseries, and a polished appearance. Perhaps they are filming themselves teaching their six-month-old the alphabet while baking homemade gluten-free bran muffins. Of course, it’s not all that type of content and there are also wonderful accounts that portray a more realistic version of parenthood; however, those can also inadvertently remind you that while you can relate to the content you don’t have over 300 thousand followers, a great sense of humor and the time or ambition to get dinner on the table, your baby fed, bathed and create your brand.
And last but certainly not least among the contributing factors are lack of support, financial burdens, and the inability to prioritize self-care. Anyone reading this can understand that with all the responsibilities of parenting, finding time for oneself can seem unfeasible. It's not surprising, then, that moments of rage might occur. Moreover, it's important to note that individuals with a history of mood disorders or difficulty regulating emotions before becoming parents are more vulnerable to experiencing intense feelings of rage.
Recognizing Irritability Versus Rage
There is a difference between irritability, losing your cool, and postpartum rage. Although reactive emotions fall along a spectrum, some signs indicate it's a problem that should not be ignored. Here is an example to help you reflect on your own experiences.
You are very overburdened, just spilled the milk you finished pumping and let out a loud expletive and begin to cry. - Normal reaction. You are human after all.
You are feeling worn down and trip on your baby’s rattle. A sudden surge of anger hits you, accompanied by a rapid heart rate, tensed muscles, and a flushed feeling. In your frustration, you pick up the toy and throw it as hard as you can at the wall. - Your frustration is certainly understandable; however, your reaction, especially if not a one-off, warrants some attention.
The kind of rage in the second example is not only very taxing on your physical body and mental health, but over time it can truly have negative consequences on your relationships including the one with your baby.
Practical Steps to Combat Postpartum Rage
Take a moment to check off any of these that apply to you, or the three you believe are impacting you most right now, and keep them in mind as you read on about tips.
Sleep deprivation: When was the last time you got a full eight hours of sleep?
Noise sensitivity: Baby crying, Ms. Rachel on TV, loud toys, siblings arguing?
Feeling overwhelmed: Is your mental load of things to do sky-high?
Partner-related frustrations: Disagreeing over parenting styles? Contribution feels unequal? Feeling under appreciated?
Difficulty with infant sleep: Baby waking up for hours at night or refusing to nap?
Breastfeeding challenges: Struggle with baby latching? Breasts in pain? Feeling you aren’t producing enough?
Lack of personal time: When was the last time you regularly did something solely for yourself?
Hormonal changes: Still very postpartum? Nursing? Weaning? Menstruating again?
Unmet expectations: Feeling inadequate or frustrated about not meeting self-imposed or societal expectations?
Environmental stressors: Disorganization, clutter, or misplacing items?
Lack of support: Feeling unsupported or misunderstood by partners or family members?
Feeling isolated: Missing out on old friendships or social life? Not making new friends?
Body image: Are you struggling with how your body looks?
Grief over birth? Did you have a birth trauma? Cesarian when you’re heart was set on vaginal?
Medical concern: Are there any medical issues, or physical or cognitive disabilities?
Practical tips
The obvious: I want to quickly acknowledge the cliché tip that you know but likely don’t prioritize. SLEEP. If you're not getting enough sleep, there's a 100% chance you're at higher risk for postpartum rage and other perinatal mood issues.
Obvious, but a good reminder:
Any movement, such as walking, yoga, or dancing, is beneficial. While taking a fitness class would be ideal, just moving in any way will release endorphins and tension
Journaling and meditation
Self-care activities such as a massage or getting your nails or hair done
Less obvious practical ideas to try
Use headphones for sensory overload: When the noise from your baby’s crying or household sounds become overwhelming (TV on, partner on the phone, laundry running), put on noise-canceling headphones—as long as you are watching your child. You can either listen to nothing, allowing things to become quieter, or put on calming music or a podcast. Even just 20 minutes while cooking dinner or folding laundry can make a difference. It gives your mind a chance to escape and rest.
Scream into a pillow: If you feel frustration building up, grab a pillow and scream into it. This can help release pent-up anger in a safe and controlled manner without disturbing others or causing harm.
Engage in intense exercise or HIIT (High-Intensity Interval Training): Of course, make sure you've done this before and that your body is up for it. This can either be regular exercise done in the morning or midday when you have a minute, or it can be quick and spontaneous. For example, when feeling particularly angry or agitated, do a few minutes of intense exercise such as jumping jacks, burpees, or high knees. This can help expend some of the pent-up energy, release endorphins to improve your mood and give you a chance to break the moment. Plus, seeing how silly it is to do burpees in front of your 5-month-old might even get them to stop crying or get you to laugh.
Take a moment for yourself: If possible, step away from the situation and take a few minutes for yourself. Find a quiet spot, take deep breaths, and practice grounding techniques, such as focusing on the feeling of your feet on the ground, counting your breaths, or hearing your fingers tap on a door.
Throw cold water onto your face: No really there is evidence to back this up. Throwing cold water on your face can activate the mammalian dive reflex and the parasympathetic nervous system, both of which help to quickly reduce symptoms of anger and anxiety.
Communicate your needs clearly: I know it’s hard for you to ask for help. It takes vulnerability, so when you're feeling brave and confident, share with friends or family that sometimes you get overwhelmed and would appreciate being able to call or text them for assistance. Alternatively, set up support on days you know you will be busy. For example, if Tuesdays and Thursdays are hectic, arrange for someone else to provide dinner or do the dishes on those days.
Seek social support: Connect with other parents or support groups who understand what you’re going through. Sharing experiences and receiving empathy from others can be incredibly validating and comforting. Check out some free support groups.
Professional Treatment Options
Treatment for postpartum rage can take on various forms, ranging from traditional talk therapy to structured approaches like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and its counterpart, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). These therapies help you identify triggers, reframe thoughts, and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Additionally, medication such as antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs can be prescribed to help stabilize mood fluctuations.
Through my practice working with postpartum parents, I've found that the best approach is a combination of providing a safe space for clients to express all their feelings—whether it's resentment, fear, loneliness, guilt, overwhelm, or shame—along with actionable tools to help maintain a more calm environment.
Conclusion
While postpartum rage may feel isolating and frightening, it's important to remember that it isn’t a permanent character flaw, and there are steps you can take to decrease the chances it will surface. Ignoring it, criticizing yourself with shame, or fearing its return, might seem easier now, but acknowledging it and taking a solution-oriented approach is more productive in the long run. This parenting stuff is hard amirite?
