Sink or Float: Surviving Your Relationship the First Year as Parents
Notice I said "sink or float" — and nothing about swimming. Maybe there are unicorn couples out there who thrive in that first year, but they’re certainly the exception. If you’re able to float — or even just sink a bit without fully submerging — consider that a success. The transition to parenthood often rocks the foundation of a relationship, bringing new conflicts that never existed and intensifying old ones that, while unpleasant or even gross, may have felt tolerable before. Below, we’ll explore common parenting and partner challenges and strategies that can help couples keep afloat in their first year as new parents and beyond.
The Adjustment is Profound
Even when a couple feels as prepared as possible—having put a lot of thought into becoming parents, taken classes (via social media, of course), helped raise their niece, and fully acknowledged that the journey will be challenging—the reality of parenthood is still jarring. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what makes it so tough. Many people mention the sleepless nights, the constant demands of a newborn, juggling work with endless household duties, and facing an unending list of questions about raising a child (Are they eating enough? Is the temperature right? Will sleep training ruin them? Are they hitting milestones?). But the difficulty goes beyond logistics, making it hard to articulate why it feels so overwhelming. It’s more of a feeling.
I won’t leave you bewildered. I’ll try to put some words to it because that sounds evasive, and reading this can feel validating if you’re going through it. Beyond the logistics are the surprising ways you respond internally to the baby—the overwhelm, loneliness, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and physical tightening you feel when your baby won’t stop crying no matter how many times you stick your boob or a bottle in their face. You’re grateful they’ll finally fall asleep on you, but you can’t help wishing they’d sleep somewhere else so you can get something—anything—done. It’s the frustration followed by guilt when your baby refuses to eat the purée you spent hours making with the freshest organic fruits. It’s the sleepless nights spent agonizing over whether to wake them to take their temperature again, or feeling like a failure because your baby had two blowout diapers and you only packed enough clothes for one. It’s the constant tug-of-war between pulling over to soothe your hysterical baby or being late to your appointment. It’s the guilt of closing the door to do a quick workout video, only to be distracted by their cries, debating whether to finish your workout or rush to the rescue. And, of course, it’s the resentment that creeps in when you feel like you’re doing more than your partner, but also they can’t handle more. While these emotions stem from the logistical challenges of parenthood, the truth is, you can’t fully prepare for them because you can’t predict the storm of feelings that will arise.
There is also a complete identity shift that takes place, both individually and as a couple. Parenthood has a way of testing all your assumptions—like, “We’ll be different,” or “Our communication is so solid, we’ll stay connected.” Surprise—another feeling you’ll have to contend with—disappointment because connecting the way you anticipated now feels like a joke. Adjusting to these changes doesn’t come naturally, and it takes time and effort—two things neither of you have right now.
Alone Time Will Diminish and Feel Very Different
As you’ve likely noticed—or are knee-deep in realizing—the sheer amount of work that comes with caring for a new baby can completely upend your relationship, shoving both of you straight into survival mode. Those visions of relaxing date nights or cozy evenings together? Not happening. Even when you do manage to carve out some time for each other, it often just doesn’t hit the same.
Maybe you plan a date night weeks in advance, but when the day arrives, one (or both) of you is already too drained to care. Or worse, you’re standing by the door, hesitant to leave as your baby screams in the babysitter’s arms. By the time you’re out, the vibe might be… awkward, tense, or just “off.” Perhaps neither of you even wanted to go but figured, “It’ll be good for us,” only to come away with mixed feelings.
Sure, it was nice to get out, but after two drinks, someone starts nitpicking about who changes more diapers. Or maybe you get along—until you realize the entire conversation revolves around the baby, watching the monitor, and how tired you are both going to be tomorrow. By the end of the night, one of you might say, “This was fun; we should do this more often.” But no one actually sets a plan because, well… you’re just so. damn. tired.
Tips to Survive with Fewer Hiccups (Because There Will Still Be Plenty)
Schedules and Routines
Disputes over “who does what” are practically a rite of passage for new parents. The best way to tackle this is by creating clear schedules or routines, which can help reduce the daily back-and-forth over tasks. Set aside time to have an actual discussion—no multitasking during dinner cleanup or with the game on in the background. Talk through each other’s preferences and priorities so no one gets stuck with all the dreaded chores.
Also, this isn’t a “set it and forget it” situation. Revisit and adjust the plan at least once a month (if not more) because, let’s face it, everything baby-related is a stage, and things will need to be shifted or likely reinforced (by the default parent).
Ask for Help
There might be an unspoken expectation that certain tasks will automatically fall to you. Maybe it’s rooted in how you were raised, how your relationship worked pre-baby, or even something casually mentioned on an early date. But let’s be clear: this is not the time to play hero. If you need help, ask for it. It doesn’t make you less of a parent, it makes you a human who has reassessed how life is going and wants some changes to be made.
With that said—and this cannot be overstated—asking for help also means loosening your grip on control. If resentment has been building over everything that’s landed on your plate, it’s worth reflecting: is some of that frustration tied to your own need for things to be done “your way”? Letting go of the expectation that tasks must meet your exact standards is just as important as getting the help itself. Turning away a well-intentioned helper because you can do it faster or “better” sends a message to your partner that you’ll just handle it all.
You can also strengthen your relationship by reaching out for outside support. Whether it’s for childcare or emotional backup, seeking help isn’t just practical—it can give you the small break or vent session you need to show up more authentically with your partner. Acknowledging the need for rest, sleep, or even just adult conversation won’t magically solve everything, but it can shift the needle enough to make today—or tomorrow—a little less overwhelming. And right now, that’s what it’s all about: taking it one day at a time.
Romance Takes on a New Form
If your romance used to revolve around big gestures—like taking trips, regular date nights, consistent physical intimacy, or long evenings binge-watching your favorite shows—parenthood will shift that dynamic. Those larger moments will likely be replaced by smaller acts of kindness and connection or nothing at all. Recognizing that this change is both natural and significant can help manage expectations and prevent disappointment. It also highlights an important truth: if you want to maintain some form of romance or intimacy, planning is no longer optional.
Teamwork is Essential
Parenthood is the ultimate team sport, and like any good team, communication is key. Saying what you mean (minus the passive-aggressive side comments) and actually listening to each other (no eye-rolling allowed) can make all the difference. Clear communication helps you avoid those classic missteps, like: “Didn’t I ask you to take care of that yesterday?” (You did, by the way, but your partner was mid-diaper-change, and multitasking isn’t their strong suit.)
In the chaos of early parenting, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that you’re a team. Suddenly, it feels like a competition: Who’s doing more? Who gets to enjoy the “fun” moments? Who’s getting more sleep? Sure, some of these feelings might be valid. But it’s also worth remembering that, at one point, you both went into this together—teammates, ready to tackle this next chapter of life.
Sleep Deprivation is Real
Few things disrupt the peace like lack of sleep. The exhaustion hits differently—and deeply—for both of you. It’s the kind of tired you didn’t even know existed, and spoiler: it doesn’t bring out the best in anyone.
If you’re nursing, there’s no getting around the fact that some sacrifices will inevitably fall on you. Being the food source comes with the territory. But that doesn’t mean your partner gets a free pass. They can (and should) step up in other ways—whether that’s taking on those late-night diaper changes, fetching snacks and water during cluster feeds, or giving you a chance to nap later in the day. With that said, and going back to the issue of control—are you open to letting them help, or will you insist on handling everything since you’re already up?
And then there’s the big question: sleep training. If you decide not to sleep train that’s completely valid but know that it usually means everyone in the house is going to be more tired for a longer time. More tired = less functional, more irritable, more prone to rage, and snapping at each other over the tiniest things. That’s why this isn’t just a parenting choice; it’s a relationship choice, too. Have a real conversation about it. Are you both on the same page about handling those 2 a.m. wake-ups? Who’s taking the early shift, and who’s grabbing coffee the next morning? Are you both still OK with the early decisions you made about sleeping arrangements? These talks aren’t sexy, but they’re necessary.
Perfection doesn’t exist – despite what Instagram tells you
Striving for “perfect” parenting or keeping your relationship completely intact isn’t just exhausting—it’s impossible. Logically, you know this, but you still find yourself judging and criticizing both yourself and your partner for not doing more or not measuring up to someone else’s idea of great parenting. What truly matters, though, is leaning into your strengths and trusting your own intuition, rather than listening to every Instagram influencer telling you what will or won’t mess up your child or relationship. Parenthood will test your limits and your relationship—again and again. Remember, everything is a stage, and for now, just floating through it is enough. There will be moments when you look at your partner and think, “This isn’t what I signed up for,” but when things feel less overwhelming and you find yourself taking in a moment of gratitude, can you share that with your partner or make a small gesture that you know they will appreciate? Lean into those moments to keep your relationship treading water. It just takes one small act of kindness to change the energy in the room.
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